Do you ever wonder, “Hey, am I a germaphobe?” Or, maybe, “Hey, what’s going on in the mind of my germaphobic friend? I need to know.” Here are some easy ways, in no particular order, to tell if you are riding the OCD train. All aboard!
1) You inspect your food. Eating in an un-lit area? This is not for you.
2) You inspect the people who are making your food. Are they wearing gloves? They better be.
3) You don’t even like entering public restrooms to wash your hands.
4) You plan your water intake throughout the day so that you can avoid using public restrooms.
5) OK, for some reason, you desperately need to use a public restroom. And I do mean, DESPERATELY. You will probably die otherwise. The only consolation is that you are equipped with rock hard thigh muscle from years of hovering practice and the uncanny ability to maneuver around the room with only your elbows and your feet. (Must…not…touch…anything…)
6) You do not touch your face. Face has an itch? You use the inside of your shirt because the inside has only been exposed to your obviously clean torso.
7) You sanitize your iPhone. Regularly. Other people touch your iPhone. This makes you uncomfortable.
8) Canned drinks make you uncomfortable due to the fact that where your mouth goes is accessible to the public. Therefore, you must clean the tops before you drink from them. Side note: Why can’t Red Bull come in a bottle?
9) Even while you’re drunk, you protect the sanctity of your alcohol chalice like your life depends on it. Whoops! You looked away. “Which one is my cup?” *panic moment* “Screw it.” You go and get a new cup. “Better safe than sorry,” says the crazy little voice in your head.
10) Your friends know to come to you for hand sanitizer. You say, “Would you like the basic or the aloe enhanced with citrus scent?”
11) You use a questionably large amount of hand sanitizer. People constantly tease you about the possibility of ‘Super Germs’ being created from the overuse of this product. You laugh on the outside. You cry on the inside. “Super Germs?? Dear God…no.” You continue to overuse this product.
12) Bowling is a highly questionable activity to you. Sticking your fingers into the unknown abyss of bowling ball holes? Wearing extremely used clown shoes? This does not sound fun.
13) You love mosh pits! Just kidding. You hate these.
14) Before you eat, you wash your hands in scalding hot water like a doctor going into surgery. To the elbows. *Scalding hot = cleanliness. Then, on the way to your plate, you touch nothing, except the atmosphere and oxygen that surrounds you. You have no control over that.
15) You try to use utensils for everything. Eating a sandwich with a spoon? You live for the challenge.
16) You miss out on opportunities to try new drinks and foods because you do not use other people’s utensils or drink from their cups. This makes you sad. But, not sad enough to put your lips on that cup.
17) You think all clothes should be washed in hot water. *See item 14. Your clothes bear the scars of your heat torture.
18) Someone near you coughs and/or sneezes. This, to you, is biological warfare. You hold your breath and hastily evacuate the area.
19) Your roommate washed the dishes? Probably not good enough. Wash them again.
20) Las Vegas swimming pools. These are not for you.
21) For the ladies: Despite the fact that the heels on your feet are trying to murder you, those things might as well be glued on until you get home. Walk barefoot on the grime-coated city streets? “Never, ” is what you say. Bring on the murder attempt. Your germaphobic super-strength will see you through.
22) Individually wrapped items bring you joy. Ooooh, and don’t forget safety seals. Those are your jam.
23) You turn into a kung-fu master if you someone tries to touch your face. Your friends think this is funny. You are not amused.
24) You must be extra careful going down stairs. Handrails are not an option.
25) Uh oh. Someone double-dipped in the salsa. Sad times. No more salsa for you.
26) Licking your fingers?? No. You do not do this. You don’t even want to watch others do this. Napkins for the whole table, please.
27) Beer pong. This is not for you. No explanation needed. It’s gross.
Hopefully, this list has helped you to understand the mind of a germaphobe. It is a difficult life and they need your support, regular people.
Make sure to follow me and keep up with the new series, “27 Ways to Know…”. It’s gonna be good, clean fun. The best kind.